People who grow up but are not “close” to their parents often share one common trait.

Here is the English translation of your passage:

A parent’s love is meant to be the wind that lifts a child. Yet too often, it becomes the vine that entangles them.

This was the feeling I had after watching the film Black Swan.

If you’ve seen it, chances are you also felt suffocated by the relationship between Nina and her mother.

In order to fulfill her mother’s unfulfilled dream of becoming a dancer, Nina is taken care of in every possible way — yet she is also stripped of her freedom:

Trapped in that pink “cage,” she is not allowed to “grow up,” forced to remain a “little girl” who is forbidden to think of anything except dancing…

In the end, under the双重压力 (dual pressure) of her mother’s extreme control and her own high expectations, Nina suffers a mental breakdown. On stage, she experiences幻视幻听 (visual and auditory hallucinations) and stabs herself with a piece of broken glass.

This kind of bondage disguised as “protection” is not love — it is a “symbiotic killing” that drags both parties into the abyss.

It is like an invisible rope, tying parents and children tightly together —互相依赖却又互相伤害 (mutually dependent yet mutually destructive). On the surface, they appear inseparable, but deep down, their hearts are already filled with distance.

01

People who grow up but are not “close” to their parents may have experienced “symbiotic killing.”

Have you ever had moments like these?

Your parents say, “It’s all for your own good,” and then directly arrange your job or choose your partner for you;

Or whenever you don’t do things their way, they say, “We raised you for nothing — you have no consideration at all.”

And you — you either rebel while feeling guilty, or you comply while losing yourself, emotionally detaching from your parents.

The root of all this lies in “symbiosis” —

In psychology, this is a state in which the boundaries between self and others are blurred, and emotions and functions are highly entangled.

Its core lies in the dissolution of individuality, forming a relationship that appears to be “one body” but is actually pathologically entangled.

The more common forms of “symbiosis” often appear in two types of intimate relationships: couples and parent-child.。

The difference is that in a partner relationship, it is relatively balanced; but in a parent-child relationship, it often becomes a state of imbalance — “one side依附 (dependent), the other side in control.”

Parents think they are loving their child, but in fact, they are unconsciously “killing” the child’s spiritual life.

Just like Nina and her mother:

The mother treats Nina as a “stand-in” for her own dancing dreams,牢牢抓住 (tightly gripping) her daughter’s diet, social life, and even her emotions, keeping them firmly in her own hands;

Nina, under her mother’s years of control, has long lost the ability to make her own decisions, and has made “fulfilling her mother’s expectations” her only goal in life.

From a psychological perspective, during infancy, a child and mother do indeed need “symbiosis.”

An infant cannot survive independently and must rely on the mother for feeding and care; otherwise, survival is difficult.

This stage is the normal “mother-infant symbiotic period.”

But as the child grows, they gradually develop a “sense of self” — like a bird growing feathers, they will always want to try flying.

At this point, if parents still “tie” the child to their side and refuse to let them become independent, normal “symbiosis” turns into harmful “killing.”

And this kind of “killing” harms the child to the very core.

First, confusion in self-identity:

The child becomes accustomed to treating the parents’ needs as their own, and doesn’t know what they truly want.

They are like a manipulated puppet, having lost their agency in life.

For example, some children clearly love the humanities, but because their parents say “the sciences are better for job prospects,” they改变自己的想法 (change their own thinking). In the end, they either struggle painfully in the world of math and science, or switch fields completely after graduation, taking a long detour only to return to where they started.

Second, poor emotional regulation skills:

Children in a symbiotic relationship either become particularly rebellious, using extreme methods to对抗 (resist) their parents;

or they become deeply自卑 (insecure/inferior), feeling that they “can’t do anything right,” and want to逃避 (run away) at the slightest setback.

For parents, this symbiosis is also a form of depletion:

They “discard” their own lives and pour all their energy into the child.

Once the child “wants to leave,” they fall into immense anxiety and helplessness, even experiencing a strong sense of losing control.

02

When “killing” is disguised in the cloak of love

Because symbiotic relationships often wear the mask of “love,” they can sometimes be difficult to recognize.

Here are several typical manifestations:

1. Emotional manipulation: “You have to be responsible for my feelings”

• “When you do this, it really hurts/disappoints me.”
• “Who do I work so hard for? Can’t you be a little more considerate?”

Parents like this often tie their emotional state to their child’s behavior, forcing the child to bear an emotional burden that isn’t theirs to carry.

The child has no choice but to suppress their own real needs and feelings, because they discover that every “no” from them feels like a betrayal of their parents’ “love” and “sacrifice.”

2. Substitution of will: “I know better than you what you need”

From daily clothing and choice of friends, to what job to take and whom to marry — the parents intervene and dominate every decision, sometimes even taking over completely.

They firmly believe that their judgment is the absolute truth. The underlying logic is: “Your feelings are wrong; my experience is right. You can’t possibly understand yourself, but I understand you better than you do.”

Just as in Black Swan, Nina’s mother — after her career ended due to an unplanned pregnancy — projects her own “dream of dancing” onto her daughter, planning every step for her, yet never once asking Nina what she truly wants.

This substitution of will gradually causes the child to lose trust in their own feelings and needs.

3. Achievement hostage-taking: “You are the proof of my worth”

• “Dad’s life is basically over — I’m counting on you.”
• “Stop messing around with useless things. Our family’s honor depends on you.”

In the eyes of parents like this, the child is not an independent individual, but an extension of their own self-worth.

The child’s success is no longer their own success — it becomes the parent’s medal. Their failure is not just their own failure — it becomes the parent’s disgrace.

Behind this lies a deep form of value fusion — the parents have寄生 (parasitically attached) their sense of self-worth onto the child’s performance.

In order to protect their “self-worth,” they will do everything possible to clear all obstacles for the child and prevent “failure” from happening. Yet in doing so, they反而 (on the contrary) deprive the child of the opportunity to learn through setbacks, to explore, and to form an independent personality.

03

Trapped in “symbiotic killing” — how can you save yourself?

If you find yourself in this kind of symbiotic killing relationship, feeling suffocated yet unable to break free, the following approaches may help you:

1. Try “physical distancing” to create space for yourself

Psychological research has found that increasing physical distance can effectively reduce control and依附 (dependency) in symbiotic relationships.

If conditions allow, try not to live with your parents. Even just living in a different neighborhood in the same city can give you the independent space to be yourself.

Having your own independent space means drawing a boundary between your parents and yourself.

If moving out is not possible for now, you can also use “physical boundaries” to划分 (demarcate) space. For example:

• Install a lock on your bedroom door and tell your parents to knock before entering your room from now on.
• Organize your own belongings and tell your mom, “I can take care of my own things — thank you.”

These small actions may seem insignificant, but they can gradually help establish a sense of boundaries.

2. Learn to say “no” gently but firmly

A major problem for children deeply trapped in a symbiotic relationship is that they dare not refuse their parents.

But in fact, saying “no” is not “filial impiety” — it is telling your parents: “I have grown up and am capable of making my own decisions.”

Of course, use a “gentle but firm” communication style —

• Be gentle in attitude, so your parents don’t feel like you are rebelling against them.
• Be firm in your stance, and do not compromise just because of your parents’ emotional reactions.

Important: “Empathize first, then express.”

First, acknowledge your parents’ intentions. Let them feel that you understand them. Then, share your own thoughts — this makes it easier for your parents to accept.

For example, if your parents are aggressively pressuring you to get married, try saying:

“I know you’re worried that no one will take care of me in the future, and I really appreciate your concern. But right now, I want to focus on my career. Also, I hope to meet someone I truly like. Could you give me a little more time?”

Instead of directly saying, “I’m not getting married. Stop interfering with me.”

3. Seek professional psychological counseling

If you have tried the above methods but still cannot break free, or if you feel intense anxiety and guilt after trying —

Then don’t suffer alone. Seeking professional help is a wiser choice.

In the safe, confidential environment of a counseling room, you can explore the parts of your personality that have been suppressed.

With the support and guidance of a counselor, you can learn to distinguish between “your needs” and “your parents’ needs,” practice specific communication and boundary-setting techniques, and process the complex emotions — such as guilt and fear — that arise during the process of self-rescue, gradually building an independent sense of self-identity.

Psychological counseling will not teach you to “fight” against your parents. Rather, it helps you find a平衡点 (balance point) where you can both maintain connection with them and protect your own self.

Its ultimate goal is to help you learn to listen to your own voice, trust your own feelings, and bravely move toward the life you truly want.

The love in a symbiotic relationship is real, and the pain is also real.

True maturity is not about cutting off the relationship, but about finding yourself within intimacy.

A parent’s love should not be a shackle that ties a child down — it should be the wind that supports them as they fly.

A child’s love is not unconditional obedience — it is respecting the parent’s feelings while also respecting oneself.

I think, if Nina had had the chance to walk into a psychological counseling room, perhaps she wouldn’t have had to complete her transformation in such a tragic way.

If you’re unsure how to choose a counselor, you might consider this experienced and professionally grounded therapist — Xu Jing.

Xu Jing is a nationally certified Level 2 psychological counselor. She has been practicing for over 12 years, with accumulated client hours of 9,000+ hours.

She has extensive experience in areas such as childhood trauma, personal growth, and parent-child conflict. She integrates techniques from psychoanalysis, psychodynamic orientation, family therapy, and other approaches, flexibly tailoring her counseling plans to the specific needs of each client.